...for they will be comforted

this has been (and continues to be) a very trying month for my family. my heart breaks for my mother-in-law who has lost part of her soul with the passing of my father-in-law. i can not even imagine the heartache she is experiencing. i want to wrap her up in my arms and carry her away from all of it - but I can’t. we all feel so helpless. all we can do is comfort. it just doesn’t seem like it’s enough at times. Even the Bible has nothing to really offer but comfort.

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." Matthew 5:4

the truth is, we can’t run from it. we have to stand up and take it - a sucker punch in the gut that steals your breath and brings you to your knees. we have to experience it. once we can see through our own grief we can come to terms with the fact that there is nothing we can do but move forward, pick yourself up and move forward. somehow, beneath all of the pain you have to fight with your heart to get your legs out of bed each morning and walk through a day that seemingly has no place for you. you feel selfish for cursing the sun for daring to shine so brightly in the midst of such a profound loss. within the paradigm shift you must struggle to make a new place – redefine your role and live up to it. its easy to see that those who have no support or “comfort” can easily lose their way. they can make that choice to stay in bed and let the grief consume them. they can make that choice to not accept it and become angry and bitter. They can choose to just…give up. So perhaps comfort is more of a navigational tool rather than a repair tool for there is no “fix”. comfort brings you connection to the present and encourages you to keep going even when you don't think you can. comfort is your surrogate soul when you feel as though yours has escaped your body, never to be heard from again.

the reality of it all is that when we grieve, we are grieving for ourselves and the loss of what we've always known to be true. we are saddened and heartbroken over what we’ve lost. it’s a violent wake up call that nobody is ever prepared for. no matter how hard we try there are some things that are out of our control. that, in and of itself, is often hard to come to terms with. no benefit is achieved by looking back with a sad heart. there is only forward.

“It is the will of God and Nature that these mortal bodies be laid aside, when the soul is to enter into real life; 'tis rather an embrio state, a preparation for living; a man is not completely born until he be dead: Why then should we grieve that a new child is born among the immortals?” ~Benjamin Franklin, 22 February 1756

i started my 2008 blog with a picture of “purpose”. i trust that all things happen for a reason and it is how we cope with it all that defines who we are and where we go in life. through this experience i am reminded to live my life with purpose and intention. not a single second of it is promised to us.

“Grief does not change you, Hazel. It reveals you.” John Green, "The Fault in Our Stars"

i continue managing my own grief privately so that I may offer comfort to my family and be present for my son. I find solace in my own private conversations that i’ve had with my father-in-law. he has had many close calls over the years and during the most recent scare i asked him how he was feeling and he looked at me and said “i’m tired”. i could tell by the look in his eyes that he did not mean “sleepy”. he was tired of fighting his body and tired of putting my mother-in-law through so much worry. it broke his heart. but time and time again, through his own sadness, he picked himself up …and moved forward. i love him for that. i am so proud of him, so proud.

his death was sudden, and i am sure he would not have wanted it any other way. i sit alone and think of him always. i try to bring back the memories we shared rather than push them away. i want him to live in my mind. i need to remember him so that my son will always know who his Papaw is. as strange as it sounds i feel more connected to him than ever. i go to the cemetery alone. i speak to him as “Dad” although I never called him that when he was alive. as i explained to my son, he is alive in our hearts and in our memories. the mere mention of the word “runic” will put a smile on my son's face – because his Papaw put it there. i will not let him forget. we have his pictures, music and memories to last forever.

“To live in hearts we leave behind Is not to die.” ~Thomas Campbell, "Hallowed Ground"

and then, on Mother’s Day, my great aunt passed away. although i pray for her family to find strength through their grief, i am somewhat comforted by the fact that in my minds eye her spirit is reunited with her 12 siblings that went before her. i am humbled by the fact that my mind can not comprehend the glory that surrounds her right at this moment.

"Parable of Immortality"
I am standing upon the seashore.
A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze
and starts for the blue ocean.
She is an object of beauty and strength,
and I stand and watch until at last she hangs
like a speck of white cloud
just where the sea and sky come down to mingle with each other.
Then someone at my side says,
" There she goes! "
Gone where?
Gone from my sight . . . that is all.
She is just as large in mast and hull and spar
as she was when she left my side
and just as able to bear her load of living freight
to the place of destination.
Her diminished size is in me, not in her.
And just at the moment
when someone at my side says,
" There she goes! "
there are other eyes watching her coming . . .
and other voices ready to take up the glad shout . . .

" Here she comes! "

Author: Henry Van Dyke